HOW TO NAIL THAT DREAM JOB: SOME TIPS FROM OUR RESDENT EXPERT PART 2

Part 2 the interview

Hello. My name is Mandrake U Cheesyfeet

My job is personal grooming agent to Bob Geldof. It really doesn’t take up much of my time

As a perk of my job I am allowed to swear seven times a minute I and can visit the museum of rock and roll dinosaurs for free.

I have been asked by the directors of WorksWonders to produce a series of articles on how to go about obtaining your dream job.  Jane and Angela who run WW said they couldn’t afford to pay me but that if I didn’t do it they would reveal my true age and sex to a Sunday tabloid.

This Week’s Subject – The Interview

1.          What to wear

Obviously you are going to need lucky underwear. On no account should you not wear the same underpants that you were wearing last time you were caught in a bear trap in the Arctic Circle at night in the rain. On the other hand if an exotic foreigner comes up to you in the street and offers you a million dollars to fulfil any sordid whim that you wish, then you can be fairly sure that it’s a lucky underpants day.

Underwear aside it is usually the case that a business suit is normal attire for an interview however there are exceptions. People applying for jobs as as water ski instructors may wear a wetsuit. Those applying for positions as circus clowns and newsreaders are permitted to wear exploding trousers (However not if the news reading job is all modern and stand uppy type). 

Generally you should not wear a hat unless you have hair which may cause offence like Donald Trump or if the job is associated with particular headwear such as deep sea diver, cowboy or masked wrestler.

If you are applying for a position as a top class football player it is advisable to get a ridiculous haircut prior to the interview.

2.       What to say

Unless the job is in Gordon Ramsays kitchen it is probably best to keep the four letter words to a minimum. No more than eight expletives per half hour is normal.

To impress your interviewers why not give all you answers in Latin.

If your language skills are a bit rusty you can always avoid answering questions and changing the subject. This is particularly valued skill for anyone applying to be a politician

There are many jobs that require you to be quite eccentric (CEO of a government company Chief of the Reserve Bank, Officer in Charge of Emergency Planning  - you get the picture) in my experience to qualify for these roles bring up the subject of penguins as often as possible more than once per answer would see you in the role no trouble.

There are certain questions that are common to all interviews

Here are some on them with suggested answers;

Q “Give an example of a time when to have provided excellent customer service”

A “Well I once filled up my pet penguins’ car and gave him a discount for being one of the few flightless Antarctic birds to own a Bentley”

Q “Where do you see yourself in 5 years”?

A “Sitting on a pole gaining spiritual enlightenment in Tibet - with my pet penguin, Ryan”

Q “What skills can you bring to our organisation”?

A “ I have masters degree in IT, seven year experience in customer care and a grade 2 certificate of proficiency in penguin grooming”

At the end of the interview they will always ask you if you have any questions. Here are a few answers that have worked for me

·       Err…. No

·       Do you check on people to see If all their sick days happen to fall on a Friday?

·       Can I trade in my pension rights  for sexual favours?

·       What games are loaded onto the work computers?

·       Do you mainly employ King Penguins or are you more inclined towards Western Rockhoppers?

·       I know its only 10 am but I am gasping, any of you fancy coming for a quick pint - Ryan is already in the pub.

NEXT WEEK

Coping with your first day at work – the only time you can get away with causing millions of dollars’ worth of damage.