There has been story in the news about an MI6 agent who was found dead inside a locked bag. The story was speculating on the idea that he locked himself in the bag. The story said that ten experts were unsuccessful in locking themselves in the same bag. My question is this. Where on earth do you find 10 experts in locking themselves inside a bag?

In the latest attempt to forestall moral and  economic bankruptcy the government has decided to sell off its stock of election promises

Investors will be able to buy promises at a Standard, 14 Carat Nonsense or Gilt Edged Super Gullible level

Standard crap

The standard investment will cost the voter his or her vote and will allow the government to make the following promises

·       Taxes will be cut

·       Services will be improved

·       The economy will be fixed

·       NZ will try to make an impact on something at the UN

14 Carat Nonsense

Those opting for a height level of promise are able to invest in the 14 carat nonsense. This will cost the voter his vote plus 1 $1000 donation to part funds. In exchange for this the voter will receive the following promises

·       Taxed will be abolished

·       Government services will be improved to the point that they are actually acceptable

·       The economy will be positively buoyant

·       NZ will play a huge part on the world stage

Gilt Edged Super Gullible level

The significantly wealthy can indulge in the gilt edged super gullible option. This involves the submission of their vote, a $2,000,000 donation to party funds plus there promise of future votes by offspring (who will be held hostage until they reach voting age)

Under this option the government will promise

·       All voters will be given vast sums of money to do with what they wish.  Drugs prostitutes and precious metals will also be made freely available to those whose moral standards permit.

·       Each citizen will have their own personal civil servant at their beck and call living in an annex to their house that will be built at government expense.

·       The economy will perform so well that everyone will be out constantly partying on the street

·       NZ will end poverty, war, hunger and sporting disappointment world-wide. NZ will establish a new world order based on the buzzy bee and number eight fencing wire that will make everyone see that it is just how  great to be  kiwi and will have the entire world (except Australia) begging to become its colony.

Parties are also in talks about future selling excuses for not living up to its promises

Ideas floated to the PM include standard excuses such as “the outgoing party have left is in with such a mess we are unable meet our goals” and for a government that gets re-elected the old “We had to give that idea up in the interest of forming a working coalition” chestnut,  rising in  value to “At the time I made that promise I was possessed by aliens who were in control of my thoughts and actions” (buyers of this option will be eligible for a cabinet post).

In  the past year the NZ government has spent 130 million dollars asking consultants about ways to save money. They should have asked me. I can tell them how to save 130 million dollars at a stroke.

It has been said that everyone has one book in them.

Clearly this is only said by people who don’t have anything original to say for it is bollocks. Barbara Cartland wrote over 600 books (all nearly identical I grant you) and Frank Richards - the creator of Billy Bunter - wrote  around 75 million words in his lifetime. A friend of mine at college once ate a hardback edition of Charles Dickens "A Christmas Carol" for a bet. I suppose that yon could say that for a while he had one book in him, and by all accounts it stayed there quite a while if his graphic toiletry accounts are to be believed. On the other hand there are millions of people out there whose sole contribution to world literature is to write a weekly shopping list on the back of a junk mail envelope.

I find that I'm different again. I don’t have merely one book in me, but nor do I have a whole book in me. I do however have several bits of books floating around in my head. A while ago it occurred to me to lump them all together and see if they will make one book that will sell (or that a publisher will buy at least).

So here it is - a collection of unconnected ramblings. Great for those people who start books but never finish them or those people who can read several books at once. A market researchers dream, covering  - in theory  -100% of the population at the same time. You will know if it’s successful because if it is, I shall cobble some more nonsense together from time to time

Authors caution

Please note that most of what is contained here is of an extremely trivial nature and most of it is not true anyway. It is designed (depending on the nature of the reader) to entertain or irritate only.

HOW TO NAIL THAT DREAM JOB: SOME TIPS FROM OUR RESDENT EXPERT PART 2

Part 2 the interview

Hello. My name is Mandrake U Cheesyfeet

My job is personal grooming agent to Bob Geldof. It really doesn’t take up much of my time

As a perk of my job I am allowed to swear seven times a minute I and can visit the museum of rock and roll dinosaurs for free.

I have been asked by the directors of WorksWonders to produce a series of articles on how to go about obtaining your dream job.  Jane and Angela who run WW said they couldn’t afford to pay me but that if I didn’t do it they would reveal my true age and sex to a Sunday tabloid.

This Week’s Subject – The Interview

1.          What to wear

Obviously you are going to need lucky underwear. On no account should you not wear the same underpants that you were wearing last time you were caught in a bear trap in the Arctic Circle at night in the rain. On the other hand if an exotic foreigner comes up to you in the street and offers you a million dollars to fulfil any sordid whim that you wish, then you can be fairly sure that it’s a lucky underpants day.

Underwear aside it is usually the case that a business suit is normal attire for an interview however there are exceptions. People applying for jobs as as water ski instructors may wear a wetsuit. Those applying for positions as circus clowns and newsreaders are permitted to wear exploding trousers (However not if the news reading job is all modern and stand uppy type). 

Generally you should not wear a hat unless you have hair which may cause offence like Donald Trump or if the job is associated with particular headwear such as deep sea diver, cowboy or masked wrestler.

If you are applying for a position as a top class football player it is advisable to get a ridiculous haircut prior to the interview.

2.       What to say

Unless the job is in Gordon Ramsays kitchen it is probably best to keep the four letter words to a minimum. No more than eight expletives per half hour is normal.

To impress your interviewers why not give all you answers in Latin.

If your language skills are a bit rusty you can always avoid answering questions and changing the subject. This is particularly valued skill for anyone applying to be a politician

There are many jobs that require you to be quite eccentric (CEO of a government company Chief of the Reserve Bank, Officer in Charge of Emergency Planning  - you get the picture) in my experience to qualify for these roles bring up the subject of penguins as often as possible more than once per answer would see you in the role no trouble.

There are certain questions that are common to all interviews

Here are some on them with suggested answers;

Q “Give an example of a time when to have provided excellent customer service”

A “Well I once filled up my pet penguins’ car and gave him a discount for being one of the few flightless Antarctic birds to own a Bentley”

Q “Where do you see yourself in 5 years”?

A “Sitting on a pole gaining spiritual enlightenment in Tibet - with my pet penguin, Ryan”

Q “What skills can you bring to our organisation”?

A “ I have masters degree in IT, seven year experience in customer care and a grade 2 certificate of proficiency in penguin grooming”

At the end of the interview they will always ask you if you have any questions. Here are a few answers that have worked for me

·       Err…. No

·       Do you check on people to see If all their sick days happen to fall on a Friday?

·       Can I trade in my pension rights  for sexual favours?

·       What games are loaded onto the work computers?

·       Do you mainly employ King Penguins or are you more inclined towards Western Rockhoppers?

·       I know its only 10 am but I am gasping, any of you fancy coming for a quick pint - Ryan is already in the pub.

NEXT WEEK

Coping with your first day at work – the only time you can get away with causing millions of dollars’ worth of damage.

 

HOW TO NAIL THAT DREAM JOB: SOME TIPS FROM OUR RESIDENT EXPERT

Hello. My name is Mandrake U Cheesyfeet

My job is to apply spray tan Hollywood starlets who happen to be cruising the Caribbean. I am paid $600 per minute (tax free on account of the fact that I work in international waters) and I work for approximately half an hour a week. As a perk of my job I have access to as much spray tan and cosmetic surgery as I need - and a PlayStation 3

I have been asked by the directors of WorksWonders to produce a series of articles on how to go about obtaining your dream job.  Jane and Angela who run WW said they couldn’t afford to pay me but that if I didn’t do it they would reveal exactly why I can only work outside the jurisdiction of most right thinking countries

This Week’s Subject - Applying For The Job

1.          Where to look

Do not make the mistake of assuming that your dream job will be advertised in the local free paper. NASA may not have the financial resources to take out a classified in the Pukerua Bay Herald Tribune. Additionally some vacancies are more obvious that others. Politicos might like keep an eye on the news for the overthrow of dictators in nice sunny countries like The Seychelles. Those of a sporting inclination might like to check the latest injury list for cricket teams touring the West Indies. Those with significant experience in the area of administration should…erm… check  the local free paper.

2.       Your  letter of application

This is an area that is full of potential pitfalls. Let me advise you from personal experience a few things to avoid

·       Do not claim to have superpowers such as the ability to fly, become invisible or play the national anthem in bottom burps (they may ask you to demonstrate them at interview)

·       Do not put people down as referees that you do not personally know. The Dalai Lama Nelson Mandela and Emperor Napoleon cannot be relied upon to back you up.

·       Do not claim that when Winston Churchill said “Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few” that he was referring to you personally. Some employers have a basic knowledge of history and you might be caught out.

·       Do not claim to be responsible for things that can be easily checked on the internet. Remember you were not the one who  successfully landed that jet airliner on the Hudson River nor were you the third man on the moon nor did you advise President Reagan on his choice of pubic wig (actually that one is quite difficult to verify)

·       Do by all means make claims that are a matter of opinion. You can claim to be better looking than Brad or Angelina as beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You can also claim that if you were playing you would have holed that putt on the 3 extra hole that would have won the US masters unlike the useless choker who didn’t.

3.       Finishing your letter

A polite "thank you, I look forward to hearing from you soon” is standard and serves many people well. But have you considered  the following; “ Failure to employ me would be a catastrophe not just for you and your  company but for the world as a whole. We are heading for global oblivion and only you and I - working together - are the people who have the power save the planet and make Earth the paradise it should always remain” (No? – me neither)

4.       Signing off.

You have 5 options

“Your faithfully” is standard

“Yours sincerely” if you have been intimate with the bosses’ son/daughter

“Yours respectfully” if you have been intimate with the bosses wife/ husband

“Yo dude, catch ya later” if the job is anything to do with running a brothel

“Stick your job where the sun don’t shine” if the boss also happens to be a leading politician

NEXT WEEK

Attending the job Interview and how to pick out lucky underpants